Time and Time....

Before a long time ago there existed me. The me that I loved because he was trained like a mofo to handle these types of situations. He was cold and calculating. He looked life in the eyes and ripped them out. Now I'm seeing that the one time I stepped out and tried to open up to something other than myself it was a horrible decision. The woman I love crushed me like it was nothing. I gave my very essence and soul to this person worked with them tried everything and even stayed 6 months after the break up still talking, still helping, and still loving only to realize why?

Why am I cursing myself to such an outcome that it is pushing me as far as to view my life as meaningless. It seems that I love hard and I love once. I no longer feel that it is necessary to put myself out there like that ever again. It kinda ruined my current life, but somehow I'm still persevering and moving forward. I want to stop so badly. To just give up lay somewhere, or go somewhere so far away from this life that I don't exist anymore. I'm tired and I even tried moving on to someone new, but I was to cautious because of my past and end up losing out to someone else. So I can be friends, friends with benefits, I'll even date you; but I won't love you. I can't love you. I refuse to love you. I gave myself, my all to someone and continue to give them in hopes and dreams that the would come back because of my genuine love and care for them, but it was all a dream.

Katniss I wish one day you could read this. Read how you ripped apart someone that once existed. Today I believe that I refuse to love anyone else. My love will stay with Katniss regardless of what happens. I don't want to move on and try someone new. I want to forget that I loved someone so hard that it rocked my world when she left.

If it wasn't for the fact that I loved my family and I know that they would be devastated if anything happened to me I would of left either this life that I'm living or the world by now. I continue to live on the strength borrowed from my father because im weak.

I'm so weak I no longer know how I continue forward everyday. How I continue to climb for further reaches at the end of the day. How I'm still here. I just wished it was different. To love is wonderful, it's probably the happiest I ever was in my entire life. For once I felt whole, that I found that one for me. I no longer know what to say. Until next time Peeta signing out :P V_\\\...

~Life was easier when we loved one another...(SF)~