Well then...

I really don't feel like typing this out, but it's like the only way I can get things off my chest without going to a shrink I guess. Well then um I don't really know what to say. I'm tired of my life among other things, tired of being me since I seem to only cause myself unecessary stress, tired of dealing with the bullshit I go through on a weekly basis, and I kinda don't want to be alive, but ain't shit I feel like doing about that right now.

I can't for the love of me remember the last time I was totally relaxed and not thinking about something or keeping myself active to not think about things. I seriously, and truly hate so many different things right now it amazes me that I put up with it. On a semi good note I am totally enjoying my life as a Vegan. I don't know what about it makes me happy; even though I can't eat a lot of stuff, I seriously and truly love being Vegan.

I feel so weak that it brings me to near tears just thinking about the facade I put on with everyone I know from my friends, to my brother, to the previous relationships I had; be it more than sex, to anything in general. I just feel ugh. Right now it takes so much work to sit here and type out how I feel, at least to have a soundboard to just rant out my inner most feelings and etc.

So starting today I'm really gonna let it out on this blog how I feel regardless of what happens at all. I personally think I need somewhere or something I can let loose on without having to deal with the world around me. I talk to GOD about things, but not everyday I remember to pray and not everything I do is pleasing to him; I know that much. I saw this dude with some nice eyes, but it wouldn't be socially acceptable to tell him that otherwise I would be classified as a homosexual ehh. I spent time with my ex-fiancee today trying to help her think about her life objectively and probably might get her something seeing as her friends or etc ain't really about helping/thinking about her. Nowadays everyone about themselves and they don't got time for the next man.

I haven't talked to D/Hershey in a week and it what it is. When it comes down to that ain't much I feel about the situation other than fuck it. Life happens, people is people, and unfortunately a lot of people in this world and me probably not gonna mesh, but hey that's where my false mask comes in correct?

My dude Mike is my dude, but my problems ain't for him to deal with but right now I really respect him as a friend. Jonathan which is another one of my friends that's my dude got his own shit he deal with, but I couldn't deal with all those females he surrounds himself with. I can barely deal with the ones I have dealt with and to be truthfully I kinda wish I never dealt with them.

My mother truthfully; I love her because after all I've been through she supported me and tried to help me. I'm happy that she married now and hopefully it makes her happy too. My brother got his own shit he dealing with too, so me and him just here living together until such a time that things change and we move on.

Let's see off the top of my head I just randomly thought about this girl that I know from HS that is cute and if she gave me the chance I would take it. Her name is Schnaude but that might have to do with the fact that she's very attractive sexually and that would probably be it if we did do anything. Hmm I truthfully believe I don't feel like dealing with certain shit pertaining with relationships right now, but if certain people felt like messing around and enjoying one another company regardless of just seeing a movie, or just fucking I would do it. Of course I got more shit rolling around in my head, but right now I don't feel like typing all that so...

This is Peeta SF Mellark signing out until next time V_\\\.........


"The world betrayed me, even when I loved her." ~ (SF)