Sometimes it just happens.

So as of today I think my ex-fiancee have read some of my blog or all of it I'm unsure. Well idk how I feel about that surely, but hopefully whatever she reads she understands. Today I'm here typing this in a almost relaxed mode watching some Walking Dead, and thinking how I can enjoy my day to the fullest until it's time to work tonight for five days again. Well at least we can start the show now and start down the wonderful path of The Life and Times of Peeta(SF).

Yesterday me and shemell talked for almost the whole day through text and I really enjoyed just having a back and forth with someone. It just wasted time and it was just nice to have a normal conversation with her. I remember when we use to do that all the time, but I'm a man that understands the real world so I definitely understand that those days are in short and probably rare all-together. Also I wondered why she was so happy yesterday, but after finding out that she possibly read my blog then I can understand why she would believe she needs to be. My blog ain't exactly the prettiest place, but it is a place for me to type and get some of my emotional baggage unloaded.

As of this week I am 1 month Vegan and wow I never knew I could go a whole month without eating any animal bi-products lol. It's refreshing to know I can do this :). During the creation of this post I finally finished TWD (The Walking Dead) for now until it starts back up in February.

I have a doctors appointment next week and hopefully I hear nothing but good news. Truthfully speaking the only thing that I'm assured of is probably my high blood pressure, but everything else is all fair game. People say we must suffer in order to get what we want in this world. I personally don't believe so; at all. I don't think my father put us here to suffer in order for us to be happy. We just found ways to make ourselves and each other suffer by imposing rules and whims to be selfish for our purposes. Example is I want to travel, but in order to do that I need money. Traveling is probably the only thing that I can pick from the top of my head that I truly love to do. Now I'm hindered from doing that because I need money, which forces me to work, which leaves me no room really to enjoy the money I just worked for. So I travel around the city I live in and try to enjoy the days I do find for myself.

Another thing is this world ain't as fun without someone to enjoy it with. Now I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself because I do know how to enjoy time by myself and I do enjoy time by myself. What I'm saying is that time with someone else is priceless because now you can have this feeling and memory and know there's someone else out there that understands and feel the same you do about it. Am I gonna visit Venice, Itlay one day? Of course I am. Would I like to do that with a friend or significant other? Hell yea I would :D. They would just add meaning and memory to the trip and especially if it's with someone you love.

Now dealing with shemell I enjoy spending time with her. I really do because I can remember why I fell in love with her in the first place. That's kinda why I don't spend to much time with her even though I ache to be at her side. Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love from afar basically? Unable to express your true feelings, and have to keep it inside at all times when your with them? It causes a certain level of suffering to oneself when you love that person and miss them, but can't truly enjoy there presence as you want/wish you could. Now I do enjoy the time I spend with her when she talks, play games, hang, eat, etc. But at the end of the day I come home, she go home/go to her love, and I'm left dealing with the uncontrolled feelings. Its a 50/50 situation I guess and if I want her presence I'll have to deal with the pain it comes with.

Right now I'm working at the USPS again and so far it's not bad, but it certainly ain't good. Truthfully the main reason I'm slaving; because that's basically what the job entails, is to pay bills, buy food, and save up towards my goal/dream. I just want to see how long I can stay here until the MTA job possibly kicks in and then I can go from there.

So for the first time on TLATOP(SF) I will tell you my dreams. My dream is to travel the world, experience different cultures, and people with someone that I love and possibly gonna be with for the rest of my life. Now don't get me wrong I have no problems settling somewhere, and starting a family, but that don't mean we still can't travel and experience the world GOD created for us? Go Tokyo, Hong Kong, Venice, Paris, London, Moscow? There's so many places why should we be limited to one country?

Well that's all for now; until next time. My name is Peeta SF Mellark and I'm signing out ^_\\\ :P.........




~ "Sometimes the sun breaks through the dense clouds" ~ (SF)

Hmmmm sometimes I wonder.....

What keeps me going as the days continue to flow endlessly pass me. The eternal continuation of unknown and uncertain times that last before me. I'm an emotional and unstable wreck on the inside, but on the outside I'm as calm and happy as can be.
For the first time I think I will actually disclose a lot of what's pent up dealing with my ex and other females etc. Shemell is a piece of work that I'm unsure how I should feel about. I loved her to death because she was my first true experience of happiness and for someone who's been alone as long as I have that's a miracle. She's also the person who left me for another man almost ruining my life in the process.
Why I still talk too her is a mystery in its own.
(I see nowadays why people usually just had sex with girls and leave it be. For me its not because I can't develop feelings for you possibly, but because you throw the pussy at me so to speak.)
Other than her doing that she confuses me to an extent but truth be told I never want to know the real reason she left me. If I could change anything it would be either loving her in the first place(because of the pain it caused) or wishing she left me before I moved back to new york.
I don't hate her per se but she definitely is one of the main reasons I'm unhappy atm.
On a better note 1 month Vegan and loving it ^_^. I'm happy to say that I'm currently moving forward in my plans to travel, have a good lifestyle, and just try to be happy in general. Currently just trying to enjoy the little moments of happiness that trickle through the dark abyss.
Are suicidal thoughts bad or do everyone have them hmmmm?
I hope if shemell ever reads my blog she understand at least one thing; that I would of traded my life just to see her happy, but if isaiah is the person that do that for her I hope wherever that leads her in life she can live with.
Well as you can see this post was mainly about my ex fiancee because it was necessary to get some of this shit off my chest and heart. I'm just a broken soul looking to belong.
(A Shemell A) you were that person until well you decided I wasn't who you wanted anymore and just like that I was discarded from that position like a mere fly in your presence. I'm ashamed V_\\\.
Well I have a whole bloody story to tell but not now. This is Peeta SF Mellark signing out until next time :p V_\\\..........
"I remember a day when nature moved in harmony, and my heart with it..." (SF)

Well then...

I really don't feel like typing this out, but it's like the only way I can get things off my chest without going to a shrink I guess. Well then um I don't really know what to say. I'm tired of my life among other things, tired of being me since I seem to only cause myself unecessary stress, tired of dealing with the bullshit I go through on a weekly basis, and I kinda don't want to be alive, but ain't shit I feel like doing about that right now.

I can't for the love of me remember the last time I was totally relaxed and not thinking about something or keeping myself active to not think about things. I seriously, and truly hate so many different things right now it amazes me that I put up with it. On a semi good note I am totally enjoying my life as a Vegan. I don't know what about it makes me happy; even though I can't eat a lot of stuff, I seriously and truly love being Vegan.

I feel so weak that it brings me to near tears just thinking about the facade I put on with everyone I know from my friends, to my brother, to the previous relationships I had; be it more than sex, to anything in general. I just feel ugh. Right now it takes so much work to sit here and type out how I feel, at least to have a soundboard to just rant out my inner most feelings and etc.

So starting today I'm really gonna let it out on this blog how I feel regardless of what happens at all. I personally think I need somewhere or something I can let loose on without having to deal with the world around me. I talk to GOD about things, but not everyday I remember to pray and not everything I do is pleasing to him; I know that much. I saw this dude with some nice eyes, but it wouldn't be socially acceptable to tell him that otherwise I would be classified as a homosexual ehh. I spent time with my ex-fiancee today trying to help her think about her life objectively and probably might get her something seeing as her friends or etc ain't really about helping/thinking about her. Nowadays everyone about themselves and they don't got time for the next man.

I haven't talked to D/Hershey in a week and it what it is. When it comes down to that ain't much I feel about the situation other than fuck it. Life happens, people is people, and unfortunately a lot of people in this world and me probably not gonna mesh, but hey that's where my false mask comes in correct?

My dude Mike is my dude, but my problems ain't for him to deal with but right now I really respect him as a friend. Jonathan which is another one of my friends that's my dude got his own shit he deal with, but I couldn't deal with all those females he surrounds himself with. I can barely deal with the ones I have dealt with and to be truthfully I kinda wish I never dealt with them.

My mother truthfully; I love her because after all I've been through she supported me and tried to help me. I'm happy that she married now and hopefully it makes her happy too. My brother got his own shit he dealing with too, so me and him just here living together until such a time that things change and we move on.

Let's see off the top of my head I just randomly thought about this girl that I know from HS that is cute and if she gave me the chance I would take it. Her name is Schnaude but that might have to do with the fact that she's very attractive sexually and that would probably be it if we did do anything. Hmm I truthfully believe I don't feel like dealing with certain shit pertaining with relationships right now, but if certain people felt like messing around and enjoying one another company regardless of just seeing a movie, or just fucking I would do it. Of course I got more shit rolling around in my head, but right now I don't feel like typing all that so...

This is Peeta SF Mellark signing out until next time V_\\\.........


"The world betrayed me, even when I loved her." ~ (SF)

Life change of Peeta (SF)...

So I decided to become a vegetarian/vegan. The vegetarian part because I'm in the learning stages so I'm not 100% on what not to eat and etc for veganism. Also I'm very depressed and tired as of late.

You would think that someone would stop themselves from going through all this pain of dealing with females if they have so many problems dealing with them. Ugh my heart and soul is heavy from the burden of being nice, honest, and straightforward with people that just don't care or want to use you. I'm sooo tired.

I wish I could say that things Is all great in my world, but I seriously don't feel that way and I haven't in a while. Just sitting here revise that; laying here typing this makes me wonder about so many things in my life. I am sufficed to say tired of all this fake contented floating along just being apart of the breeze as it blows. I am different and because of that I am left to feel the pain of not being able to enjoy life's wonders.

At least there are things that I can do for myself that no one can take away from me. One is my decision to go vegan, my decision to exercise and live towards a better life for myself, my decision to be truthful and straightforward regardless of how others are too me, my decision to deal with this awful ass pain myself until such a time I can find someone who's willing to just be there for me.

Truth is its hard to trust after all I've seen and been through. This is Peeta SF Mellark signing out until next time (-_-) V_\\\...


~ "One day the leaf resisted the wind" ~(SF)

Just one of those shitty days.....

Today just been horrible since I woke up. Didn't feel like doing anything, mad bored, want too drown myself in all type of mannerisms. Ugh really today just suck for me. I have all these pre-arranged things I need to do today though, but I really don't feel like dealing with them. I really just feel like smoking a blunt, sipping on some alcohol, popping a pill, and just calling it a day. I seriously hate when I get in this mood, but ain't nothing I can do about it. These are what I call remembering moods I'll explain.

Remembering moods is when my mind falls apart for unknown amount of time and actually pays attention to what I want and don't have and where my life is at. In these moods I don't really feel like dealing with shit and usually just want to curl up somewhere and just max. Today I feel like being zoned out, but I can't do that when I have plans for later. I seriously wish in these moments I had a distraction until such a time where I can recollect my shit and go about with life.

In these moments I remember things about people long gone, things about people that are currently here, but don't benefit me, and things about people I have forgotten and left. For example I hit up Katniss, and Lily today for no reason. Katniss told me shit that I never even knew was going on and Lily didn't even respond. As you can tell Lily is part of the group of people I forgotten and left. Katniss is from the group of long gone because of her decision. The only group I didnt hit up was currently here, but I'll have to deal with that tonight.

I seriously just want something to take my mind off of things until tomorrow where I will go back to being the same of person I've been for a long time. Yes I can still function where I'll try my best to enjoy today. Be either through laughing with friends, drinking and cracking jokes, etc. Truth be told though I rather just drown myself today, and wish someone was there to join me. It takes a lot of patience and strength too continue on with this life I have. Of course it's not the worse existence with me being raped or anything like that, but it's still my struggles and how I feel and deal with things. I've been alone a long time so I know how to deal, but eventually I wish for someone to just be able to hit up and say yo let's chill, watch a movie, smoke, drink, do whatever, and that person just say yes.

Well that's it for my rant today. Surprisingly I feel a little relief, but ehh still got shit to do, people too see. My name is Peeta SF Mellark and I'm signing out :P V_\\\....

P.S. The sullen skies, the broken moon, eventually comes around. (SF)

I say dear Watson, it's been a year.....

Sooooo it have officially been a year since Katniss/Shemell left me, and what a year it has been. I'll say the truth for the first few months I was a wreck. Like I was so surprised of how much I attached myself to that person wreck, but I have learned from all that and now I'm who I am. Surprisingly I'm not a dick after all of this. I'm not even a dick to my one night stands when they hit me back up lol, but time to start.

Well it seems like I will eventually be working at the USPS again. Hopefully it's better this time aka better pay, better hours, better people :P just kidding.

Hershey manilla vanilla the thriller is still my friend although I really don't have girl friends; she sticks. Hmmmm maybe it's because I don't mind her company at all and wouldn't mind being with her.

Shemell the woman of my forgotten dreams still talk to me which is surprising. I will say I don't hate her, still have love for her, but it's surprising that she maintains contact with her ex-fiancee when she's been in a 1 year relationship with another man. I wouldn't be surprised if we had children together or something, but we don't, we barely see each other, and the fact that I still have feelings for her seems like it's better if she just forgot I exist. Now don't get me wrong spending time with her is cool and all, but it's like teasing yourself with candy you can't eat. I want it when it's here, but can only watch through a window.

Surprisingly the same thing can be said for Hershey, but like I said due to this year of still living and moving I learned how to deal with not being able to get what I want and just deal with life. That's why even when they hit me up I'm cool and answer and not be a dick because it doesn't really matter. I'll enjoy life and continue on without caring.

Sadly I'm afraid I haven't felt true emotions in a long time. I laugh, I enjoy, I smile, but true raw emotion that I felt so long ago is a forgotten memory once again. It seems things will just be this way until something drastic change. On a bright note I'm slowly allowing myself to be free, buying little things, changing myself, etc. Soon I will start buying clothes again when I start working. Slowly change my wardrobe.

Well that's been an update into my life, also a way for me to vent and let go without people judging me, etc.
My name is Peeta SF Mellark and I'm signing out :P V_\\\......

P.S.- I'm attracted to females, but able to tell if a male is attractive. Does that make me bi hmmmmmm?

Dum Dum, Dum Dum.....It's Alive!

Well hello my wonderful blog of wonderful wonderfulness it's been such a long time. Well things ain't that much different from the past anyway, but I felt like I needed a update.

Summer is done and at the current moment I'm still not working and enjoying my life as best as I can. Just doing little things, walking around, exploring place and trying to enjoy life by myself. Of course a significant other preferred, but you can't win them all.

So Katniss which I don't really feel like referring to in that way no more so Shemell will do is still part of my life surprisingly. I thought by now she would of either left me to float off in my own world or something, but she refuses too do that. I feel like if you care about me that much why did you leave me in the first place? To each there own i guess.

I currently have no romantic connections to any other lady surprisingly and I'm just floating along seeing what life brings me. More than likely I'll start back working for the winter quarter again and then as life continues save up my money for my eventual traveling by my lonesome, solo, dolo, yolo? Lol. I'm okay with what I've been dealt I just wish I didn't think about it as much.

Hey I think that's enough for a welcome back so. This is Peeta(SF) signing out :) :P....

Guess who's back, back, back....

My real self that is, and of course it comes with it's own perks of not really caring that much, losing people that liked the old me, and dom-dom-dom learning how to not give a damn no more. So hello Me, and good bye normal person I guess.

Well this update is really because I recently apparently disgusted Lily to the point where she doesn't want me to talk to her ever again so I guess that's that with that I guess. Now im just gonna go to work do what I have to do and come home and relax.

My ex-Katniss is living her life doing big things and enjoying so I think that's about it on her side of things as well.

I'm tired of living for people. I'm gonna do what makes me happy and that is chilling, relaxing, and eventually finding someone who can do that with me. I don't know if I ever will find someone who can deal with me and I with them but I will try. Right now I'm just gonna do what I have to though and see how things goes.

I grew tired of the lie I constructed and it finally broke so now I'm back to who I was and the road I want to be on. Hopefully someday I can finally get to my destination. I guess sometimes you just have to be alone even if it's only temporary. Until next time Peeta signing out :P V_\\\....

"Sometimes being solo isn't all that bad...(SF)"

Time and Time....

Before a long time ago there existed me. The me that I loved because he was trained like a mofo to handle these types of situations. He was cold and calculating. He looked life in the eyes and ripped them out. Now I'm seeing that the one time I stepped out and tried to open up to something other than myself it was a horrible decision. The woman I love crushed me like it was nothing. I gave my very essence and soul to this person worked with them tried everything and even stayed 6 months after the break up still talking, still helping, and still loving only to realize why?

Why am I cursing myself to such an outcome that it is pushing me as far as to view my life as meaningless. It seems that I love hard and I love once. I no longer feel that it is necessary to put myself out there like that ever again. It kinda ruined my current life, but somehow I'm still persevering and moving forward. I want to stop so badly. To just give up lay somewhere, or go somewhere so far away from this life that I don't exist anymore. I'm tired and I even tried moving on to someone new, but I was to cautious because of my past and end up losing out to someone else. So I can be friends, friends with benefits, I'll even date you; but I won't love you. I can't love you. I refuse to love you. I gave myself, my all to someone and continue to give them in hopes and dreams that the would come back because of my genuine love and care for them, but it was all a dream.

Katniss I wish one day you could read this. Read how you ripped apart someone that once existed. Today I believe that I refuse to love anyone else. My love will stay with Katniss regardless of what happens. I don't want to move on and try someone new. I want to forget that I loved someone so hard that it rocked my world when she left.

If it wasn't for the fact that I loved my family and I know that they would be devastated if anything happened to me I would of left either this life that I'm living or the world by now. I continue to live on the strength borrowed from my father because im weak.

I'm so weak I no longer know how I continue forward everyday. How I continue to climb for further reaches at the end of the day. How I'm still here. I just wished it was different. To love is wonderful, it's probably the happiest I ever was in my entire life. For once I felt whole, that I found that one for me. I no longer know what to say. Until next time Peeta signing out :P V_\\\...

~Life was easier when we loved one another...(SF)~

Ugh it's been 2 months....

It's been two months since I started this job, and so far so good. My life is definitely changing for the better and worse/good I think. Me and Katniss have come to some sort of understanding or something I think. Slowly getting on and moving on from her. I wish it was simpler to move on from her, but loving someone isn't easy so I assume moving on would not be easy as well. Well I just felt giving a update with my life so here we go.

I'm still dealing with Lily wondering where things will go with her. She has some problems that she has to deal with, but to be honest I don't mind dating her at all. It will definitely be a new experience and I like experiencing new things :D.

Hershey is non-existent. That is all.

Katniss is a problem in itself and to be truthful if she gave me indication that she wanted to be with me I would probably wait a million years for her, but there's no indication of that so I'm moving on. I used to pray everyday to hopefully something work out, but I don't know how you can love someone so much, do so much for someone, care about them and they still leave you and friend zone you. Sometimes I believe girls/woman are just confused about what they truly want because when they get it; they still don't want it. I hope her new life with Gale makes her happy because I just love her to much to wish anything else.

Just in case your wondering I still haven't finished the Hunger Games trilogy so I don't know how it works out. I personally believe that she will end up with Gale in the end, but I will find out soon enough. Other than that I'm trying to save my money so I can get a place of my own and hopefully soon be onto the next part of my life. GOD have a plan and GOD knows exactly what's going to happen and hopefully that involves someone to love me for me. Until next time Peeta singing out :P V_\\\.

As the days go on....

I find myself a victim of a past crime. Can heartbreak count as a crime? I mean it hurts someone enough. It drives people to insanity, sometimes even suicide so maybe it can be considered a crime. So back to my original statement; I find myself a victim of a past crime. 4-5 months now I've been dealing with it slowly yet surely trying to overcome an almost un-healable thing. Sooooooo I totally wish someone would come to me with the answer to solve all my problems right now, not just the Katniss situation but everything.

The situation with Katniss is starting to overload and sooner rather than later it's going to come to a boiling point. I still have not gotten over what she did to me and how it was done so when she tries to make me a part of her life then goes back to her man it makes the situation so weird and uncomfortable. I'm not going to put myself through that if that's the future I have in-store with her. If I can't heal and move on from what was done to me when it comes to concerning her then more than likely we will be going our separate ways with hopefully a better future for both of us.

Sometimes they say you should let it all out, but who likes crying and being in misery with one self. All that does is let me know that I lost the person who was my other half and that I have to live my life by myself once again. But enough about that part of my life. I'm ready to deal with new things and new beginnings and I think that starts in hopefully two months where I can move out and be Lone Wolf once again in my life. Sometimes I guess the wolf wasn't meant to be in a pack even if it's only one other wolf. Until next time Peeta signing out :P.

Personal art, From..... (SF)

Damn.....

I find myself the enemy of my own self at the moment. Ugh I can't take it but I still love Katniss and it's really driving me up a wall at this moment. I don't know what to do my emotions is all sporadic and all over the place and I just can't help but want it to end. I've talked to my father about 4 times already for the day just trying to figure out what to do and what's next in my life. I think I just need to be alone for a period in my life and this job is probably going to get me there.

I can't believe how much I connected to someone enough that there action of 3-4 months past now can still have such an effect on me. GOD help me because I surely can't seem to help myself. I truly don't want to revert back to my old ways to deal with this situation. If need be I might have to cut Katniss out of my life completely if I can't deal with it. I really don't want to because I truly love the girl, but that's the reason I'm still feeling things when it comes to her because I still generally and truly loved her. I gave someone other than myself a complete trust of my life and it really backfired/didn't work out. Seriously though Peeta signing out until next time :P :-( V_\\\.